Post reblogged from Melancholy with 14 notes
I want to tear this aching heart out of my chest. I can’t stand this pain anymore. Whatever I do, it just fucking hurts. I breathe in, it hurts. I breathe out, it hurts more. I move around, it hurts. I sit around and do nothing, it hurts. It only hurts and hurts and hurts - f u c k t h i s. Can’t you just…give up, heart? Can’t you just stop beating and spare both of us this torture?
Source: ithurtssomuch
Photo reblogged from Melancholy with 194 notes
You’re a banana, what’s there to understand?
Source: distorted-monsters
Post with 1 note
I’m a terribly amazing liar.
I was purging today, per usual, but I accidentally left the toilet seat up when I was done. And later my mom was questioning me, and I got out of it She didn’t even detect the lie. I said I dropped my ring in… I don’t wear rings, but hey— that was a good excuse on a whim.
Getting away with this shit since 1999. YOLO.
Three Hour Arguments and Four Cubes of Watermelon.
So I hung out with my boyfriend yesterday and today. In that entire time, I ate 4 little cubes of watermelon (which felt like poison later). So I didn’t eat anything besides that for 28 hours. Hellooooooo ana, welcome back, my humble body missed your reign.
I was distant all night because I was so h-u-n-g-r-y. It felt delicious and powerful but I had fog in my brain as I remembered how my old ana self worked. I already have trouble when people come into physical contact with me, but tonight was especially hard. I didn’t want him to notice my grumbling stomach. And the blue doritoes bag was bringing noxious smells to my nose, making it hard to remember that starving was the only thing would keep the pain away. I didn’t give in though; I don’t even like doritoes anyways.
What made it so easy to not eat is that I was never offered food. I have a really hard time saying no (hence the watermelon incident). But other than that, nothing besides coffee was offered, and the calories from the milk and sugar was scaring me too much to take even a sip. I’m pretty sure he subconsciously doesn’t want me to eat, for fear of me throwing it up. And I always feel fat anyways because he never eats, so I look weak… I can’t recover when I’m in a fucking relationship, but I can’t be happy knowing I lose him for this. This being both recovery and my eating disorder. Sounds like a lose-lose situation to me.
I went through my usual night ritual, getting ready for bed, and telling him my secrets as he slept. Except tonight he was awake and only pretended to sleep. And so now he knows things I didn’t want him to. Like I feel as though he doesn’t care a lot of the time. (Right now he most certainly does, but as everyone gets with the eating-disordered, they get pretty jaded with my behaviors and don’t put up a fight. In the end, they’ll leave or just get angry with me all the time. No one has fought me for more than two months, and kei is the only person I know who will physically hold me back from myself when I go to purge.)
He also knows I’m gone. But he took it completely wrong. By gone, I mean my eating disorder is more of me than any other part. Explaining parts is too confusing. Day part, night part, ed part, ana part, mia part, sister part, etc…. Anyway, I’ve become submissive to that part. I don’t feel as though I own my body. It’s pretty much a rental that I was told to make perfect and return to ed with the perfect curve of hipbones and the beautiful set of ribs showing. I don’t feel right, basically. Not a good feeling.
After fighting all day, I understand where he’s coming from. But I can’t stop being in denial. I am not thin. Or skinny. Or anorexic-looking. Or anything that gets me noticed for my eating disorder. I crave those words, but no one ever says them. Soo until I start hearing those words on the reg again, I’m gonna lose weight and get happy.
In the end, he said if I ate a sandwich a day or cereal and didn’t throw it up, he’d be happy. Surviving on between 100 and 250 calories a day is better than purging? I guess so. I mean, anorexia is my best friend, I can totally deal with that better than mia.
3 pounds down, 15 to go. Fuck.
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